The devil you don’t

Well, it all comes down to fear.  Fear of change, motivation, success, failure, you get the point?  But fear can be a powerful motivator, which is the devil you don’t.

What you do not know, or unfamiliar with, tends to scare the shit out of us.  Tends to immobilize us.   Fight, flight, freeze or play dead.  When you have endured the amount of trauma I have, you tend to freeze, not fight.

I flunked trauma.  I went back to the spa and got booted of the trauma track, after finding one of my parts, who has her own system of 16parts, including a poly fragment, was trying to kill me.   I got yanked.  Because I don’t know how to take care of my life and myself.  My folks are older, true.  So, I agreed to a set of prereqs for behavior, and CBT and DBT.  ok.

Where does that leave my system, except eerily quiet.  Which, in my parts work over the past seven years, has taught me that that is what my system needed.  Okay.  I have three weeks to change, then be re-evaluated.  For an indefinite period of time.  If I cannot satisfactorily perform normal human tasks such as keeping appointments, taking meds as prescribed, keeping a clean house and car and in general, be an organized, efficient adult, I could wind up in an AFC.  Okay.  This is the devil I don’t.


I witnessed murder, mayhem and torture.  I shattered 72 times.  I’m down to 7, including the one with 16 parts, no wonder I forgot to clean the cat box.  Silly me.

But now, I have a first chance to do the devil I don’t.  Make fear a motivator, live life.  That means no more agonizing pain, or lonliness.  No more “6 O’clock Meds”; “take everything off behind the gown and then I’ll wand ya”.  I can try my hand at life.  I’ll take it over a cinder block hell.  Do you realize inmates got more outside time than we do?  MM mm.  It’s on now.  Here I come you bitch.  With fear hot on my tail.