Lower Than A Snake’s Nuts

Yup.  That’s pretty much how I feel.  It’s 4:24 EST.  Can’t sleep again.  Fell asleep at 8:30.  Now, I’m starving, in more ways than physically.

So, my neighbors did NOT fuck with my security system.  The magnet fell out, someone put it on my door, trying to be kind.  Uh HUH!!!!  Who’s the paranoid, hateful, angry, person with Hyper vigilance due to their PTSD?  Yeah.  That would be me.  Hence, why I feel lower than a snake’s nuts.

I sent my ex an email.  One of his friends stalked my Facebook page.  Lame.

Dave lived in Okemos.  I’m thinking of taking a road trip to see where he was staying at.  It even had his email address.  That’s fucking useless.  It was funny.  The address was not as delusional as his others have been.  Definitely.  I miss the man I fell in love with everyday.  He’s gone, and even if there is a funeral, I cannot go.  He’s still listed in the system.  I don’t know what happened.  I don’t know if he’ll be in a grave or cremated.  Doesn’t matter.  He’s gone.  We all end up the same way and sometimes, the same place.

It hurts, and if you have ever loved an addict/alcoholic, you know the pain and heartache we put you through.  Dave was an IDU- Intravenous Drug User- he shot Meth.  By the end, I think he was smoking it.  Hell, I think if he could put it on his food like salt, he would.  He was a really good cook.  Used to be a pastry chef.  He always knew where the great little restaurants were.  He always knew where the good food was.  If he hadn’t been a sociopath, he would have been a, “foodie”.  He would have been posting food porn on Facebook and Instagram.  I really miss him.  Don’t get me wrong, once I found out that it was all true and he was as sick as I had feared, I was terrified of him.  Welcome to my Nightmare…He was my best friend, as best as a Sociopath can get.  There was even a Dave/Zuzu sunset tonight.  He was funny.  He was incredibly disciplined.  Neat.  Groomed.  I always knew when he was going to go on a bender.  He’d get real quiet, real skulky and sulky, go lock himself in the bathroom, shave and everything, and then disappear for 12+ hours.  I hated that.  He’d say, “there’s a meteor shower tonight at three am, I’ll wake you up so we can see it”, okay.  I wake up, there’s a note that says, “I went grocery shopping at Meijer, be right back.”  The Meijer on Plainfield?  Was a twist and turn away from a real trailer park out of a Rob Zombie horror movie.  I mean, kids running around that you can tell there was an incest epidemic in the trailer park.  In other words, a few of those trailers were meth labs.  If they blew, no one would be missed.  It was creepy.  Yeah, I got to go there.  Got stared down.  It was fall.  The leaves hadn’t been raked or blown away in years.  Three feet high around the foundation of these old, seventies trailers.  All in primary, bright chromatic colors.  So fucking creepy.  Dave was very creepy.  I found a priests costume in his closet.  A fake one, not a real one.  But still.  DL, anyone?

Christ.  See?  That’s the double bind?!  I love you, I need/want you, but you keep hurting me. What do I do?!!!  WTF DO I DO NOW THAT YOU ARE GONE YOU FUCKER??????!!!!!!!

“My heart is a Ghost Town…”  Adam Lambert

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!!!

So, I’m lonely.  HIV, DID, and being overweight leads you- oh yeah, along with low self esteem-drops you right at the feet of being lonely.  So, I got on Tindr.  Wanted to see if I could get my, uh, needs met.  Also, to see what all the hubub was about.  Well, I swiped right, and so did Anthony.

Anthony and I talked for four hours the first night.  He came over and we talked for for four more. One small problem- Anthony would be homeless by today and had a SCRAM bracelet on and had just been let out of his halfway house into renting a room.  Now, here’s an interesting fact:  Ever since I started to have memories and flashbacks way back in 99/2000-2001, I have been madly attracted to Sociopaths.  Can’t shake em.

Cliff, Scott, Dave and Magic, and now Anthony.  So, I offer for him to stay here.  WTF?!  He had read me so well, I was hooked.  Sociopaths do that.  They can read a mark so well, know exactly what to say, and get under your skin.  So, Anthony grew up on the East side of Detroit. 7-8 mile near Gratiot, on the streets, “because nobody wanted” him.  He was a car thief, and at 12, was in Maxey by Ann Arbor.  So, I knew he had some shit.  And it wasn’t just an attachment disorder.  Three days.

I offered him up the chance to come correct with me. No way can they do that.  He told me he had a Domestic- a misdemeanor.  I laughed. Went to OTIS- 6 years for intimate Assault and Battery, which being his third time in- automatic habitual offender.  Dropped him like a bad habit.

So, Tuesday, I go to my therapist- that’s when I dropped him.  We talked.  We’re going to do a workbook- Mindfulness for Prolonged Grief.  And work on my cognitive errors. My story ended Sunday.  I need to begin a new life/story.  I need to return to the program.  I need, I need…I need to do.

The reason I finally didn’t act impulsively, was that I- my house is my sanctuary. It’s where my healing happens, for the most part.  I have a part system to keep safe.  If I don’t act like a responsible adult, my system will not trust me, and will take over.  Can’t have that.  I had to protect not only myself, but my system- which are one in the same.  That was the whole purpose of this blog.  If you want to heal from your trauma and integrate, you gotta act like a protective adult. The parents wee never had, the ones that were supposed to protect us and soothe us and love us.  If we don’t step up and take steps to protect ourselves, which includes our systems, we’re never going to heal.  We’ll never integrate.  Letting yet another Sociopath into my home and my life- I’d be dead within two weeks.  Whether by his fists, or my drinking- he was a drinker too- real winner. One of my mom’s coworkers told her- she’s not going to bring home an accountant.  Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I did?  I’d invite her to the wedding to just be a bitch.

But, I’ve been dope sick.  Quit the Norco.  Had a cold/stomach flu on top of the dope sickness.  That’ll teach me.  That’ll learn me, as I really like to say.  I had a dream about an Octopus.  Octopus medicine is very powerful and very fitting-clearly, or the Octopus would not have come to me- for what I am about to embark on.

You ready?

I am.