Good Morning, or whatever time you’re reading this entry. It’s time. It’s beyond time.
My last drink was 8.15.08, the next morning, after a shot of Narcan and a higher will, I awoke in 2 point restraints in a hospital bed. At the end of my bed, was a social worker who said wryly, “You think you need some psychiatric help?” I looked at her and said, “Ya think?” I had my choice of psychiatric hospitals, which freaked me out, because in Detroit, all the Psych units are the top level of the medical hospitals. But these were Free Standing Psych Hospitals. She told me Forest View had better food, so I said there. What she didn’t tell me was that they had a Trauma Program, headed by Dr. Colin Ross, and some of the finest clinicians I have ever met.
So, I sobered up at Forest View- on LIbrium and B Vitamins. The next thing I know, I’m attending Trauma classes. Attachment to the Perpetrator, Locus of Control Shift, Shame, Spectrum Of Emotions. All things that blew my mind, because they all made horrible sense.
Dr.Ross came to the hospital, as he is wont to do to see a few, special cases. I was one of those cases. After sitting with him and being fully cognizant of what, “switching” was and meant, I received a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). My ex had pretty much moved on, but kept of the show of the dutiful boyfriend. We all know who he was and what and who he turned out to be in the scheme of things.
So I got a therapist, Katy. And for the next 9 years, used up all my private medicare days at Forest View, had my therapist basically do everything she could so she wouldn’t have to deal with my alters or us integrating. Her favorite line- and I think her only line when we were in crisis was: “It’s April 8th, 20 blah blah”. That was it. No other coping skills. I don’t self injure. Never have. Just was terminally suicidal.
So, working with my new therapist after the old one squeezed me out of her practice, still want to call The State Licensing department on her, but we’ll see. I gotta pick my battles. The new therapist and I have got it down to four n alters, all with their own, individual systems.
Richard- OCD, Micromanager, Has tried to kill me on numerous occasions, high anxiety, that’s all I know so far. He has a system of about 30, and I’m sure they have systems too. Just the nature of my system.
Vicky-Hypersexual, 19, inner party girl. Likes makeup, fashion, l;ooking good; very flirtatious. Has about 19 parts, but they all have systems as well.
Matilde-She is in charge of all or most pof the littles. Too many to count at the present moment.
Matthew- Rage, anger, holds all the rage. Against lots of different people. 45 parts, some systems. Violent. When I get into fights, richard comes out and takes care of business.
So, this is how my system basically and loosely breaks down. My therapist and I are going to get four binders-she actually got them already, I have the notebook paper, and every morning I have a morning meeting. Mostly on the laptop, and then I email my therapist a copy. I’d still do morning meetings, but any additional communications that occur, I write in the corresponding notebook. I morphed the idea from one of my DID friends. Then, I’m going to get 4 pieces of foamcore, cover it in craft paper and start to map. It’s all going to be revised quite regularly, but this is the best way I have found to map my system and dialogue with my parts.
So, now that I am exhausted, I hope maybe this helps somebody. Take it, morph on the design, use it to help you map your system and become more integrated. I was informed, that I’ll never have integration, just cooperation. I’m okay with that.