Back To Life (ish)

Good Morning!  It’s a Monday.  Slept for eleven hours from Saturday to Sunday, which means I only sleep six the following night.  So, I just made breakfast, pounding soda, and I just felt the need to write.  Don’t know why, just something needs to come out to play!

I forgot to mention, my see you next Tuesday/Cuntasaurus Rex of a neighbor was blasting Pink Floyd’s, “Lunatic is on the Grass” song after I got out of the View before partial.  I punched the wall, cuz I figured it would have been better than her throat.  So, yeah, Love thy Neighbor, not.  I’ve said loud enough so she can hear me- we share a wall, yes, it sucks-that if she was bleeding out, I’d call 911, but go about my business.  Mom was like, “That’s not good”, or right or fair or some such horse shit, and I said, “She wouldn’t do the same for me.”  So, turnabout is fair play.  I think she’s back to going to church and shit like that.  That’s her pattern.  She’ll screw half the county, then when she gets her ass handed to her, she buttons up and tries to repent or some such bullshit.  Bless her, change me.  I can’t wait till she leaves.  Even my cat growls at her.

Speaking of cats, I got my baby back.  Yes, last Tuesday, when my folks went up North to help my Aunt, I absconded with Grover.  So, my baby is back.  Siouxsie ain’t having none of it, but I just let them sort it out and try to give equal time etc. to both paw-ties.  I’m very happy to have my little bub back.  My sponsor helped me move him.  I still have to get his cat condo, but he’s got his, “Wheel of Death” toy and a big ol bag of catnip.  So he’s happy.  Siouxsie is not, and she may never be, but it’s getting better.  Good days and bad days.

We are going to Artprize today.  I need to find a piece of Art that inspires a design in me and take a picture or card of the expo piece, and then sketch out my design for Wednesday’s class.  I have color squares to finish painting, another assignment I have to finish/revamp, and study for our quiz/test on Wednesday.  Since our career presentation is due the 19th, I have to step up my game x 50, for that little extravaganza.  But, I finally love what I am in school for.  She’s a great professor.  Her passion for design is really inspiring.  I’m thinking of easy careers for me to go into after I do this stint of school.  Something where I am self-employed, can make and design my own hours, flexible schedule, but the insurance!  Pre-existing conditions, I don’t know.  But I would really like a life of something again.  I’d really like to be self-sufficient.  But, one day at a time, that’s how you build and ensure a successful future.  Or, so I have found.

I finally found my niche for volunteering/service work.  I’m so grateful.  It’s anonymous, so I can’t get into it, but let’s just say, I’m very happy with the direction it is going in.

Let’s see, what else…My mom and I cleaned the snot out of my bedroom that I rarely sleep in yesterday.  Washed walls, floors, surfaces, redecorated, smudged, laid down a protective, positive energy barrier between the shared wall with my bitch of a neighbor, and finally!  After living here for six years, I put up two of the most meaningful pieces of art that I have been hankering to put up on a wall.  I finally feel like the house is moving, you know, like the energy is starting to flow.  Hallelu!

I elected not to go to my class reunion this year.  First of all, the official reunion is going to be hosted in a Dave and Buster’s on the East side, along with a private room and a cash bar and a midnight champagne toast.  The night before, there will be a Homecoming football game with an, “afterglow”, at the local drinking hole/bowling alley.  Now, I did a few people’s fair share of drinking at that bowling alley.  There was never an afterglow for me, just a ton of regret. I couldn’t afford the official reunion with a hotel room.  So, I opted to stay at a local friend’s house, which she had graciously opened to me, and has graciously kept open for me, and the football game for $1000, Alex.  Then, the bowling alley decision was made Saturday night/Sunday morning.  I was pissed.  Can’t go, because after the service work I discovered Saturday, that would be a huge step/leap back for me.  And my class likes to party.  Our five year reunion?  Was a Fifth- even the invitation to the reunion was in the shape of a fifth.  No.  It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I can’t.  I’m not jeopardizing my sobriety and serenity.  That’s a deal breaker.

So, yeah, that has happened all this past week.  Went over the new map last Wednesday with Katy.  All my parts are all connected to me, I am very large on the map, and three of them are right out in front.  So, we have work to do.  Both Katy and my sponsor will be gone in two weeks time.  Just the right time for the one year anniversary of Dave’s death (the 8th), and the 8 year anniversary I tested positive for HIV (18th).  So that period might be difficult, but as long as I am mindful and diligent, I think I have half a shot of making it through this time period.

Well, that’s about all I can think of for now.  Hopefully, with some time managemnt and getting back on my ADHD med, at a lower dose, I might actually be able to finish projects, instead of leaving them hanging and half done.  What do you know?!

So, until next time…

 

 

 

 

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Drop that bitch!

So, in a recovery program, steps 5, 6, & 7 teach you how to own up.  Steps 6 & 7 are the ones where you look at your character defects- your seven deadlies and how you act out upon them- show them to the world, you little pot-stirrer, you!-and ask your HP to remove them- Humbly ask.  So, there’s a book designed for steps 6 & 7- Drop The Rock.  I highly suggest to ANYONE who wishes to improve his/her life.  It’s just damned good.

Everyday, I have an app I subscribe to: The Leo King.  It describes the astrology for the day, planet energy and a tarot card for the day et al.  Today was the 7 of Pentacles reversed.  Why are you raking up dead leaves?  Why are you tending are garden that needs to be left fallow- there’s a word for you!  Let that shit go- DROP THAT BITCH!!!!!

So, last night in therapy, I come up with the term, Drop that Bitch!  Drop it!  No longer serves you?  Let it go to the wayside.  “Leave it”, as you would tell your dogs.  “Wrecking Ball”…intersante.  So, show of hands- how many people had a shitshow for Christmas?  That’s what I thought.  I had three people come out of the woodwork.  One is irrelevant.  Two was an ex-friend.  And three was the kinky Scotsman.  WTF, over?  So far, I’ve blown off two of the three.  The one I’m obsessing over is the irrelevant one.  Drop that Bitch! Let it go.  Just not that into you…Remember that one?  If they want to spend time with you, they will move mountains.  And not hesitate to do so.  Here’s another secret- you are/I am worth a mountain, or 12.

So, I talked to my tattoo artist yesterday.  Yes.  It’s time.  I’ve turned another corner.  My knees ain’t getting any better neither.  As a matter of fact, they are getting worse.  I have a four hour window where I am good, then I am useless and pained for the rest of my waking hours.  Oh, if only I had known.  But hindsight is 20/20.  So don’t put glasses on your ass and look back!  Drop That Bitch!!!

So, I’m down to, like 4-ish parts.  From 84.  to 4.  Since 2008.  7 years.  I’ve worked my ASS off.  Dropped that bitch/bitches.  I was cleaning out my desk and found the piece of paper that had my hep C cysts imaging on it, before I began Interferon in 2012.  During Dave’s trial.  Stone cold sober.  Bitches.

Oh yeah, my house has a ghost that likes mischief/gremlins.  My bipap machine stopped two times last night.  MM hmm.  My teacher is coming over to smudge next Tuesday.  All over that shit.

So, 2015 was an interesting year.  Dave’s gone.  Drop That, Bitch!!!!!  WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!  Not my fucking problem, anymore.  Went back to whence he came.  My neighbors all think I’m crazy.  Sweet.  Stay away.  And maybe I am nuts, I’m also an artist.  Fine line.  Friends with the monster…Drop them bitches!

So, today the advice is- if it’s making you crazy, restless and discontent- Drop it.  Just let it go.  You can only control you and your reactions.  Today has the potential for emotional volatility, so think before you speak.  Yes.  I just said that.  And for God’s sake:  DROP THAT BITCH!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes…

So, last Sunday, Sheila integrated.  She was my angry, spend money to hurt you, pay attention to me cuz I need your love and don’t know how to ask, part.  She was tired.  I started stepping up in the finances department.  As a result, mom’s been mellower, spending more time with us, because: A.  She’s learning to relax and B. I’m stepping up to the plate more.  So, really, it’s a win/win.

I’m also doing something a peer-age-wise only-offers= holistic therapy.  A combination of traditional talk therapy, holistic principles, yoga and naturopath essentials to bring you/me to optimum health.  Having trouble staying in my root chakra.  That is grounding, your body, the earth.  I’m an air sign-Gemini, yeah, I know, so I like to stay in my crown chakra so I don’t have to deal with the trauma to my body- root chakra.  So, I’m trying really hard to create art/beauty daily, practice my Ahimsas- I am positive statements.  At first, I just wrote them down.  Now I’m verbalizing as I write.  Then, I’ll move up to repeating in the mirror while looking at myself.  Ugh.  I’m dragging my feet.  I’ll own that.  I’m dragging my feet about a lot of things.  And it’s only my time I’m wasting.  It’s just life anyway, right?!  No one gets out of here alive anyway?!  D’OH!!  COME ON ZUZU!!!  FOCUS!!!!

So, I’m sick.  again.  I got the flu from my folks.  Quarantine means quarantine.  No Exceptions.  So, oops.  Now I can’t go to my concert tonight- aside of the horrid gut feeling I have in my stomach about it, which I am totally heeding.  My gut is Ma (God).  When it speaks, Kinda like EF Hutton, I listen.  Whatever happened to them?  Did they go down with everyone else in a coke fueled blaze of glory like most companies in the 80’s?  I wonder who bought them?  Yeah, Morgan Stanley.  Interviewed with them in May of 2001.  I would’ve been doing my internship in the WTC in September of 2001.  I didn’t get the job.  My friend was livid.  I told her, “there’s a reason, we just don’t know what it is yet.”  Holy Moly!

Speaking of New York and God and no such thing as coincidences, I sent a family friend/parents old student a letter with our new address.  Only took me three years…But left to my folks, they never would’ve sent her a letter.  I adore her.  She went to New York City to be a dancer.  I remember her doing Pas De Chats in our kitchen making our whole kitchen shake (Our old house was 1890 ish) and we’d go visit her.  And she is in my top 20 favorite/amazing women I’ve been blessed to meet.  Well, I received a letter (2, actually) from her yesterday.  The day she got my letter, was the day she busted in her OLD building- in 35+ years, she finally moved!-and retrieved her mail.  As was her change of address form.  Mailperson ain’t all that, apparently.  I can relate.  So, I sent her an email.  She’s amazing.  SO Grateful to be reconnected.  Whew.

I did a new map and made new treatment goals.  I’m down to therapy once a week.  Doing the holistic therapy twice a week.  So, as soon as I decide to shit, get off the pot and improve my quality of life, we’re gonna be rockin.

I had my MRI for my right knee last Saturday; I go Tuesday for results.  God, NO KNEE SURGERY!!!  I REFUSE TO HAVE KNEE SURGERY!!!  But, it’s my own damn fault.  My Pre-Diabetes?  Probably now type II.  My fault.  So, I’ve got a lot on my plate.  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time…one freaking bite at a time.

Well, I’m having a spate of ambition, so I’m going to finish up some tasks that I didn’t finish yesterday.  Then, I’ll collapse.  My fever didn’t break.  I’m still hot, but I feel better.  Tired, but not dying.  Well, hell, we’re all one day closer to our Lord, but whatever.

Have a great day!!  At least you’re not in a third world country!!  And if you are?  My soul goes out to you…Gratitude 101.