Well, I just read one of my morning meditations, More Language of Letting Go, by Meoldy Beattie. In the meditation reference, she citied an Emmet Fox reading entitled, “Don’t Be A Tragedy Queen”. Not gender specific, Fox writes, but in this day and age, where a lot of people, myself included, play out very private moments. Because it’s not socially acceptable to be a drug, alcohol, porn or sex addict, it’s not cool to be too fat or too thin, so, what’s as easy as picking up the phone and call THAT friend, or turn on E! Television to watch KUWTK? I mean, it’s sick.
The other reading was about anger. How, in recovery, we mostly agree anger is natural emotion, needs to be felt and expressed, but no harming yourself or others- hostages, as I call them. Once again, guilty!
So, in order not to be a Tragedy Queen, it’s OKAY-something that I didn’t think was okay at all to do- to say, “This is fucking bullshit. It’s not fair, and I CANNOT believe this bullshit is happening to ME!” GARAGARAGAHHH and just Feel This FUCKING FEELINGS!!!
See, when I was getting the shit knocked out of me, I couldn’t feel my feelings. Feelings were a liability, not an asset. Feelings could have got me killed, so I split off and created alters/parts to handle the stuff that would have either killed me, or driven me insane. Either way, both has happened, time again. But, now? In mental Health recovery and DID COOPERATION, NOT integration- new one I learned from the new therapist. For 8 years, I had been striving for an unattainable goal. There’s no integration. They’re parts of me, aspects of my core, they’ll come closer, but it’s not cake batter! They’re not going to Fold into me or Vulcan mind meld with me! For fucks sake. Makes me loathe that woman more, and I didn’t think that was possible. I know why she did what she did, but the betrayal was unnecessary. Could’ve gone my whole life without the betrayal.
Anyways, feelings used to be a liability. Now? Feelings are an asset. Don’t drown in them, but feel them. Yesterday was awful. I had a headache all day from switching =, like, every two minutes-no shit. I don’t know what triggered me so bad, but, damn! So, emergency call to the therapist. What do they like to do? What do they want? What do they need? Oh. DUH! But when you’re emotionally special needs, these things take time. So, I asked them. And I told them that if they want certain things, they need to COOperaTe. Man, talk about hostage negotiations.
My health is getting worse too. So, I’m not loving that. But I have a full day ahead. Already have one load of laundry done- the only load for today!
So Have a good day, try not to be a, “Tragedy Queen”, and I’m going to be very mindful and not become one myself today. Let’s feel those feelings and stay safe people!!!!