I Stand Alone

That’s what happens when you are going to a Shinedown/Godsmack concert, and you are binge listening to Godsmack.  Plus, it’s just how I feel right now at 2:29 am on Monday, May 21, 2018.

Well, part of the reason we- yes, I am trying to use more DID friendly language-haven’t had an entry is really a myriad of factors.  My dad had bladder cancer.  He was diagnosed in August of 2017, started Chemo, which didn’t agree with him, then in March, he had a radical Urostomy- google it.  He is older (79), so he is healing much slower.  He has a 3 cm hole in his gut.  He has two above it, but the bottom one finally got a wound vac, and the top two are healing nicely.

My mother has been waiting on him hand and foot, and the dog.  She had grey bags under her eyes.  I said, “Enough”. Take a day off and just fucking rest.  I have tried to stay out of their hair.  So much so, that my meds need to be recalibrated.  My shrink suggested partial hospital, I, of course, assumed he was wrong, and proceeded with my own plan.  The other psych hospital in this town was linked in with a hospital here.  Since I have used up all my private Medicare days, and all their beds are no longer hospital beds, but private beds, I’m screwed.  I’d have to go a half hour, 45 minutes or an hour and a half away.  So, today I will call partial and get scheduled in for Tuesday.  Besides, that hospital believes in DID, the other one does not.  WTF, over?!??!  But, today is a new day.  My friends and family were grateful I didn’t go inpatient.  I am too, because psych hospitals suck.

So, damn near every morning, I snuggle up to my laptop, click on notes, and whoever comes forward, comes forward.  So far, I’ve learned there’s Phylis-she’s the executive, knows all, but trusts me enough to deal with the day to day responsibilities.  Then, I have four protectors: Richard, Matthew, Vicky, and Matilde.

Richard-very OCD, micromanager, self harmer, wanted to kill me by my 40th birthday because that was when the cult/Roaches said I had to die.  But, all the organizers are under him.  The organizers, micromanagers, anxious, hypervigilant parts are underneath Richard.

Matthew- The rage, the anger, the antagonist, the fighter, the revenge fantasy, the baseball bat, the lion spear carrying part.

Vicky- SHe’s my sassy girl.  Holds a lot, if not all of my sexuality.  Lil hypomanic, fashion, basically all things girly.  Flirtatious, light, you get the idea.  I hope.

Matilde- she guards/protects most of the fully formed littles.  She protects and guards a lot of the littles.

There are many parts of each protector.  I work daily with morning meetings communicating with all the parts.  My therapist taught me a new term: Rolodexing.  It means you’re a couple parts active at once, kinda stacked up on the psychological tarmac, waiting to come forward.  She told me that, and I was all, “I’m four or five deep all the time!!!”  On it.  But we have Three-inch Binders for each protector, then all the part communication from that protector-their parts- gets put in their binder. I have four pieces of posterboard to complete the visual map.  It’s a lot to do in the morning, plus AA meetings, and readings and meditations.  S’lot.  But, my therapist seems to think that by December, I’ll be a little more cohesive as a system, so I might be able to volunteer or get a lil job.  One can hope.

Well, I need to go to bed.  It’s 3:01 am on Monday.  Girl needs her rest!