Take 5

So, it has come to my attention, (thank you 6 planets in Capricorn) that I have some mighty, mighty character flaws that impede my relationships greatly.  I have become That Friend.  You know, the one that always has some drama going on?  The one who can’t see past her own nose?  The one who is in a constant state of turmoil?  Apparently, that is me.

I’ve asked myself why.  I’ve asked myself a million questions over the past several days, and the answer is the same.  Get out, get some friends, maybe not friends, but meet some people, do stuff.  You’ve got a whole artists studio in your house, you’re tired of writing in a journal, start drawing in a journal.  I have some serious and deep owies I need to acknowledge and get out.  Another factor?  I’ve been doing ECT, and not seeing my therapist on a regular basis.  When you have DID, you should always be in therapy.

I haven’t been making it to my meetings either.  The ECT schedule has really screwed up my sleep schedule and just fml in general.  Right now, I feel too weird for recovery, and too far behind in therapy.  I had three friends basically tell me, don’t have time for you.  Okay.  I appreciate the honesty, I appreciate the candor and frankness with which you spoke.  Duly noted.

We went through the stages of grief.  Shock and denial, we’ve bargained, but not a lot, sadness came yesterday, sadness and anger, at me, are on today’s menu.  I accept I’ve been that friend.  Too weird to live, too rare to die (Thompson).  A friend I knew once said, “And the but of it is”, I don’t have to be that needy and drama filled friend.  A.  There’s no need for it.  I need to up my self-reg and self-soothing skills.  B.  It shouldn’t have evolved this far, and like the rest of this snafu, it’s my fault.  I’m not communicating well with my therapist.  I’m not communicating well with myself.  I’m not being as honest as I can and should be with myself and my therapist.  That is a huge problem right there.  Acceptance.  A lot of acceptance has to happen so changes can be made.  This is a thorny problem.  On a lot of levels.

December 15th is an anniversary for me.  I was raped under the Christmas tree in 1978.  So every Christmas/Month of December, it is a trauma-filled festival.  I act out, this year I spent a gob of money I didn’t have, I saw my therapist once.  I start back 2x a week this week.  Everything they tell you to do in DID recovery work- go slow, be patient, be gentle, self-soothe, take breaks, be kind to yourself?  Haven’t been doing.  The ECT has dominated my landscape.  My depression has been raging.  The ECT is the only thing keeping me together, and I’m held together by a thread.

Don’t get me wrong, I know why people don’t come around.  I’ve got a lot of shit going on, and I need to be more responsible regarding my emotional pain.   I wasn’t doing the shit I needed to do, and when you half-ass it, the wheels fall off the bus.

I need AAA for the soul, please?

 

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