Baba is Arabic for Daddy.  This is what I call my father.  Today, right now, as a matter of fact, my mom and Baba are downtown looking over the results of my father’s PET scan.  My father has/had Bladder Cancer, stage II.  He didn’t finish chemo, physically he couldn’t.  My father is 78, will be 79 on the 28th of this month, January.

I’m terrified.  When my dad began this journey, he was going to teach me about financial advising,  So I could be armed and dangerous after he had gone.  I am renewing that pledge today.  I am praying for a good PET scan, but I am also preparing for a tough scan as well.  Cancer is a motherfucker.  I’ve survived a lot of shit, even been through Interferon, but never had Cancer.  Got damn near everything else, but there is nothing on this planet like Cancer.  I hate Cancer.  I hate how it erodes people’s spirits and wills to live; turns them funny greyish colors and makes their skin look waxy.  Turns their whole aura grey.  As someone who loves someone with Cancer, it is the most helpless, God awful feeling on this planet.  Watching someone you love succumb to this motherfucker of an illness.

My parts are cycling.  I’ve practically bit a hole through my lip.  I didn’t have ECT today because of the PET scan, but I will on Wednesday.  Since being diagnosed as mentally ill in 1989, I’ve finally found that ECT can work, and is replacing meds.  I will need maintenance ECT and how that happens, what that looks like, I have to call and find out, because of course, I’ve forgotten.  I haven’t been able to go and do therapy.  I’m sneaking in a session today.  I need to focus more on my faulty beliefs and not integration so much as cooperation.  I’m shattered into 452 pieces/people/parts.  Putting Humpty Dumpty back together again is impossible.  I am learning to accept that I will never be whole and that by the end of 2018, it could very well be just my mom and I.  How scary is that?  Very scary to me.  I keep trying not to think about it, but then Erma Bombeck’s final essay when she had Cancer, about burning the fancy candle keeps whirling through my mind.

I just accept that today is not going to be easy, simple or, “up”.  It is what it is, and that remains to be seen.

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