All Hallows Eve

So, I made it through last year’s Halloween with zero flashbacks.  Not so much this year.

The flashbacks began Sunday.  TRIGGER WARNING (See?  I’ve learned a little)  I was 4 years old.  I had just begun being babysat by the Roaches.  I was four years old, in a brown robe, or piece of cloth with a white rope tied around my waist, and I was sitting in a dirt fireplace.  I was somewhere enclosed, but with a dirt floor.  Like a fire pit.  To the right of me was a severed Pig’s Head.  To my left was a severed cow’s head- guernsey.  I remember the cow, and when they put the pig’s head next to me, I know some shit was about to get hinckey.  They were like, you know how Holy Water comes out?  It was like that, but with blood.  And they were all staring at me, eyes as big as saucers, chanting (I used to love Gregorian Chants, but no man), and throwing dripping blood on me.  Weird. Awk-ward!!!!  lol

So, Monday, I tell my therapist this. SHe’s like it’s a pre, pre pre grooming ritual.  They were grooming you for the cult.  She said it’s very common with Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA).  So, in the world of cults and SRA, I’ fucking normal.

Well, yesterday was Halloween.  Big ole activity day on the Satanic schedule.  So, I had more flashbacks and memories.  I remembered being in the kitchen with Mrs. Roach while she was boiling the pig’s head (Why do I want to capitalize that?!), and making spiced/spike apple cider/mulled wine.  She pulled down from a cupboard above the stove a glass vial, with a stopper in it.  It was full of a chalky dust.  She opened it up, I asked her what that was, what she was putting in the cider, and she replied, “Angel Dust”.  Quite.  The PCP explained the frenzied behavior at all the times I went to events at the cult.  Like before they got into the funeral home in Oxford.

I also had a Mr. Roach sexual assault flashback which was just gross, and doesn’t need to be delved into here.

I was super depressed but it wasn’t my depression.  It was a part/alter named Elena.  Micheal help the initial/grooming memory and he told me this was only the beginning.  But I do remember Mrs Roach telling me about her childhood.  She grew up in a one room cabin with her father and sisters in rural TN.  Explains a lot.  She totally has a system.  Totally DID. When you have Did, you just know when others have DID as well.

But I was getting flooded there for a minute, I had to rest.  I’m afraid I’m going to have to wrap this up.  It’s 5 am and I’ve been up since 2.  I’m a lil tired.  Hope y’all had a nice holiday.


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