So, I had a dream this morning. I dreamt I went to Lakeland, sought out Mr. Roach, and we went for a walk. We’re walking down the road of his trailer park-that’s a fact, can’t make this hit up if I wanted to-and my weapon is constantly changing in my left hand. We are walking side by side. And I say something along the lines of, even though what you did to me was completely sick, depraved and null of humanity, I’m okay with it, because it made me who I am today, and the person I am today is a person I really like. And then I woke up. What the?
My old therapist kept pushing for integration. I was informed by my new and improved therapist, we would never have integration, only cooperation. And I am totally okay with that. Why? Because I have a realistic goal, and not some bullshit standard set by some practitioner that doesn’t know what the fuck they are doing. So, we’re okay with that, we’re okay with where we are and we’re okay with who we are today.
I realized yesterday, I switch alters a lot. My mom and I were doing a lot of house work. I realized when I was folding laundry, I was co-conscious with someone. When I fixed the toilet, I was co-conscious with someone, when I made lunch, I was co-conscious with someone, ad infinitum.
So, I guess, realizing that I have a very intertwined, multivariate and multi layered system, working out some recovery step work with my sponsor (sober 9 years. 8.15.08), and a whole lot of acceptance, I am at a peaceful place.
I would never trust the Roaches, in any capacity. I would never take a walk with Mr. Roach on my own, I don’t trust them, I loathe and despise them, hell! They still terrify me. But I accept what all went on, and it’s not right, but it’s okay. Why? Because, today?