Starting Over

Good evening all.  In case y’all haven’t seen the trend, women are changing their statuses on social media platforms to, : Me Too.  It indicates, in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal, that you, or many women you know have been sexually harassed or sexually assaulted.  If you read this blog, I qualify. 6th grade.  Went to bed, the tit fairy came, woke up with 36B’s.  Not happy.  Not at all.

I’ve been busy.  My therapist and I have been chipping away at this system.  This Phylis, executive, Zuzu, host, then Richard-persecutor, Matthew-rage, Vicky-fun, playful and coquettish side, and Matilde-in charge of all my littles.  There is some overlapping.  Did I mention, that Richard, Matthew, Vicky and Matilde all have systems of their own?  Like, systems of 50+?

I gotta tell ya.  Thursday night, my neighbor and her man were having a drunken row outside my window at like, 4 am.  Friday was a sober, verbally abusive fight.  Last night was quiet.  Of course, her FB is look how perfect my life is bullshit.  And after Dave-got a new sponsor, polished up my step work, so he’s on my list-I knew I would not be with another man for a long time.  And, until Dave died, I would have no peace.  Well, Dave passed and no man.  Okay.  I’ve got a huge shit show psychologically to clean up, recovery to work on daily, a heart that still needs to heal and get to know itself, so after the dramatics of my neighbor this weekend, Thank God and Hallelujah I am man free.  I have always had relationship problems.  With men and women.  Way before the flashbacks began.  Residual memory or something.  But, after the show my neighbor put on- she was so drunk, she wasn’t making words, just drunk, mumbled sounds, I am SO glad I do not have a man in my life.  Earlier tonight, I was like, “God?  Thank you for not letting this opposite sex thing work out.  I am so grateful to you for this.  I promise I will keep working on me, and my DID.”  Holy cheesus.

So, every morning, I have morning meeting.  Sometimes in sobriety recovery I can get all clusterfucked and whackadoodle, and when they ask for a topic, I blurt out with desperation, “STEP ONE!!!!!!!!”.  And I go back to basics.  Having a morning meeting, setting down rules, like:  No new parts; Only I (The Host) can drive, stuff like that.  Communicating with my parts.  Learning what are my feelings in 2017, and what are their feelings from 1978, 1986 or 2015.  Cuz I basically lost my shit.  After the trial and the Interferon- which if you have mental health issues, you should absolutely NOT do Interferon, the cult memories  came, my mom moved here, deaths, people moving aways, relationships crumbling, the lid tore off my rage and never being put back together, weight gain, new psychiatrist, I mean my neighbor living with Dave’s bunky from prison right next door.  I fucking lost my shit.

Good news?  My mind has returned-and I’m stronger than ever.  Bad news?  I have to start rebuilding the Zu.  How do I do this….

Regular communication and love and attention to my systems.  My therapist told me that people who have survived cult abuse have layered, and very intricate and multivariate systems.  with cult survivors, there is no one and done.  I wish, but no.  I broke down the guest bedroom, because I have no friends or relatives who visit, so I turned the room into a healing arts studio.  I have craft paper, and one of my first tasks, is to draw out Richard, Matthew, Vicky and Matilde’s systems.  Then break it down and down and down and down.  I have a bookcase in there and tons of books on trauma, trauma and addiction, the reparenting yourself book, shame books, PTSD books.  It’s a wonderful thing my depression has abated, because I can read now too.  So that should start the end of this week.

I got new tattoo.  It’s on the inside of my forearm.  It reads, ” WARR;OR”.  I find that it fits.  It’s crooked and not perfect and I’m grateful because I’m not perfect, so neither should my tattoo.

Lots has been happening.  My dad has Cancer.  I’m debating placing a complaint on my old therapist.  Do the next right thing, but is that the best thing to do?  I don’t know.  I’m waiting on that…

I’ll write more often, I promise.  I’ve actually had complaints that there haven’t been any new posts.

Hot and fresh out the kitchen, here ya go!!!!






2 thoughts on “Starting Over

  1. Hi! I just started blogging my journey with mental illness (Dissociative Identity Disorder included) and I really appreciate your post. I can tell you are working hard to have good communication with everybody and I’m sure they all really love the healing art studio. Thanks for being brave and sharing your story.

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