Bad Ass Bitch


I have been a hot fucking mess lately.  This is the time of year for Halloween and all things reminiscent of the cult.  I am EXTREMELY hypervigilant now and sleep one night on, two nights off.  Why do you think I used to take 16 Klonopin, 4 Xanax, Choral Hydrate and Oxi Contin, AND drink?  And my shrink wonders why I think about the sister fellowship.  *eye roll*

Anyways.  Sundays, worst days of the week for me, aside from 3-6 pm everyday.  So, this last Sunday, Matthew decides to integrate.  Just is like- you got this.  I tell him I do- now, see?  I can talk to my system in my head and my system and the safe place and their rooms, and common areas, etc. are all in my head.  I suppose, I could draw it out, but after chair position for five plus minutes this morning, stairs are not my friend.  However, Matthew is like, “you got this”?  Yeah.  Open the door.  “You serious?”  Yeah, open the door.  He does.  For the first time since I can ever, EVER remember, he is not wearing his overcoat, his trench, dig?  His fedora, all that.  He’s in a white t-shirt and black trousers, and all the littles, like five of em, boys and girls, just tackle him to the ground and smother him with love.

In my safe place for my parts, I have a waterfall, lake/salt free Ocean, with dolphins.  Happy, no predator stuff.  So, Matthew dives in and goes swimming with the Dolphin.  And breathes.  For the first time, ever, Matthew inhaled, and let it go.  He’s been waiting to exhale for a long time.  No pun intended.  And if I would look good in Orange, yes, I would have set fire to Dave’s truck.  Hellz yeah.  Nero, bitch.  But, I digress…

So, ever since Sunday, I’ve had no sleep, on and off.  Like I said, one day on, two off, bitchy fucking people, mean fucking people.  All coming at me.  It’s like they know I’m on my own- get to that in a minute- and I’m like, fair fucking game.  It’s crazY!!!  Absolute bonkers, yeah!  I unfriended two long-time- whom I thought- were friends.  One was not.  Hadn’t been a friend since she got wrapped up with a guy, the other chose her husband.  Totally understand both, but the first?  She was like, rubbing my face in it?  Why?  Cuz you’re engaged with no ring, guaranteed to be miserable ever after?  YUCK!!!!

No thanks.

So, me and my labels?  Which are as removable as they are applicable, will be over here, trying to figure out who we are under all these AXIS dx.  Fuckers.  Strengths perspective.  No, you’re an Axis !, and that’s WHAT, WHO, and ALL you are to them.  The DSM was invented to treat, but mainly to classify, disseminate, and label for insurance purposes so people could get paid, yo.  Straight.  You’re not a strength, you’re a file.  A “Patient”.  You’re not human, you’re a number, an insurance claim.  Quality of life in mental health is zero.  They could give a fuck.  Too bad you’re a female with psychosis and the only neuroleptics (anti-psychotics) that work are Zyprexa and Seroquel and you have somnabulism (sleep eating) and crave sweets, lack energy and get fat.  But you’re clock radio is quiet now, isn’t it?  Fuck you.

Anyways, sometimes, being in recovery with the Axis that I have, DID, is the worst thing.  Then, HIV?  HOLY FUCK.  There is truth to the stereotypes, to the diagnoses.  Otherwise we wouldn’t receive treatment.  Appropriate treatment.  And I’ve had two different rounds of nine treatments of ECT.

I was walking by the grocery line today and Drew Barrymore is on the cover of Star or some shit, with the headline quote: “I’ve had the weirdest life ever”.  Ever?  Really.  Swim in my water, punkin.  Swim in some of my friend’s pools.  There’s 31 flavors of fucked up that you won’t experience anywhere, even if your gene pool is Barrymore.

Back to the point, Matthew integrated and has been very quiet and away.  Gone.  Weird.  Explains the hypervigilince(sp) at night.  Who is going to protect me?  Who is going to keep me safe?  WTF, over?!  I’m terrified.  My fiercest, bad ass, warrior, protector, who stood up to Dave, and Dave hated since cuz from what I remember when I switched to Matthew?  Told Dave right the fuck off and called his shit, OUT!!!  Where is that fierce protector?  That loyal dude?  FUCK!!

He’s in my heart, safe.  My part is no longer splintered, separate from my core, but part of me again.  Just like when I was three before all the shit went down.  I was/am a creative, smart kid/woman.  Matthew had always been a part of me, but when the shit hit the fan, I created him into an imaginary friend type, almost?  I could pull him out like Spiderman, put him on, kick ass, then have Alfred help me through the crisis and fallout the following days from fighting the evil in my head.  The evil that Matthew and I, us, we…me saw and experienced and felt and smelled and tasted and saw, and heard screams, and physical pain and terror, and recoil, and just abject fucking terror and no one to protect 4 -year -old me from monsters and atrocities against God and man.  So, I created Matthew to protect me.


Now, he’s gone, and I’m closer to integration- complete.  Everyday, every experience, every interaction, I am extremely hyper critical of myself and how I re-act and react and reenact.

I’m hungry.  no.  I don’t want a fucking taco!

October 18th…

October 18th is a shit day for me.  I’m trying to NOT let it affect me, but nothing good happened on this day.  Three years ago, I had to put Forrest down.  I still have his ashes, I don’t know where to spread them.  I do, but I have to wait for a windy day.  Crazy cat lady…go ahead.  Whatever.

Seven years ago, at three months and three days sober, I was rapid tested for HIV.  I tested positive.  No false positives, but we’ll send it off to the lab.  I remember the counselor shoved a box of Kleenex in front of me.  I shoved it away, and said, “I’m not sad, I’m angry”.  Cuz I knew it was Dave.  And then no one believed me or would help me stop him, until he turned himself into the police December 23rdish, 2011.

That turned into a nightmare.  Interferon for Hep C- courtesy of Dave.  Which he never told me about-during a HIGHLY publicized criminal trial.  Then the SRA memories, now the official word he is dead.  Full circle.  Everything comes full circle.  I don’t care what anybody says.  It’s all full circle.

So, here I sit.  My mom is singing in the choir.  I can’t be there to support her.  Not because of what happened to me at church, but how much I detest organized religion and churches.  That’s what it comes down to, really.  I hate church(es).  Had to do some soul searching for that one yesterday.

Would I like to become a minister and be able to wed people- anyone, unless they want to marry their animal or family member-?  Hell yes?  Would I like to use Reiki and crystals and oils and study and learn?  Hell yes!  Would I like to become a new age minister?  Fuck yeah.  That’s it.  Thanks zen writing, you just helped me find my purpose and passion on a shit day.  Oh well…

I feel better after getting this emotional hairball off my chest.  Jesse Cook is Tuesday.  Bonnie’s funeral is Halloween.  And Theory of a Dead Man is Nov. 7th at Orbit Room.

So, I also found a new menu for Thanksgiving.  Awesome!!!

See, a little get it out of your head and onto paper-or cyberspace-and it’s all good.

Have a great day!

Third times a charm….

So, yesterday, I got the “official” letter from the MDOC saying Dave had been discharged on Parole due to DEATH ON PAROLE.  Okay, it wasn’t as bad as when I first found out, now I know it’s finally over.  It’s done.  I can put the baseball bat away.  Well, early September, when I found out about Dave’s death, an old friend called me.  This is the friend who up and moved everything, including her teenage daughter to the other side of the country to be with a guy.  A guy I’ve never met or been invited to meet or anything.  Hasn’t sold her condo yet, borrowed against her 401K, wouldn’t take any of my advice, burnin bridges left and right, and when I find out Dave dies she calls.  I figure last chance to redeem yourself.  Actually, she didn’t call, she texted me.  To inform me that she was engaged, but with zero ring,.  They’re, wait.  She’s already got her dress picked out, and they are planning a wedding at the historical museum.  I’m thinking of this Rev. Horton Heat song, “Zombie dumb”.  Her Aunt dies a week before she leaves- he never comes or offers to come out, never puts a dime down for her to come out, her dog almost dies a day they decide to take off for a long day- someone else mentioned rat poison.  Yup.  The guy’s a vet- he knows things we mere mortals do not.  But, she has NEVER, and I mean NEVER called me once to ask me how I’m doing , if I’m okay, blah x 3.  So I unfriended her and her daughter.  Her daughter I love more than anything in the world.  I was her scary godmother.  This bitch- my frenemy?  Never gave me her address,.  Two faced as  hell.  Got in a fight with her bff from junior high.  Had a mutual friend run interference, her bff won’t talk to her and frenemy thinks bff owes her an apology.  WHAT???!!!!!

So, fuck that shit, Pabst Blue Ribbon.  Anyways.  Two days ago, I made my Halloween window.  Little girl from the neighborhood comes to my door- “Do any kids live here?”  “Nope”.  So, she looks back towards the window and asks me, “Do any kids live in the building?”  “No sweetie, sorry.”  Well, I felt good that my system, that we made a cool Halloween decoration, even though all the shitty things that happened to us when we were younger.  It’s like, we know the real monsters are humans- my frenemy, low level, is a monster-oh and her brother is slipping into mental illness-and while we know what some people do on halloween, we know that it is a fun, light hearted, silly, holiday-in the strictly non pagan/non wiccan sense.  Wiccan?  New Year.  Satanism-  Sacrifice time.  Hell.  everyday in Satanism is a good day for a sacrifice.  Jesus help us.

So, I’m okay today.  8:30 am I had to take a Vistiril.  Already amped.  But, I’ve come a long way baby.  Just since I started this blog.  But, damn.  I don’t know.  It’s time to start housework.  I finally feel better.  I finally feel like, It’s allergies.  Like, the fever broke.  Oh well.

Here’s to it!

I am NOT the ENEMY!!!!!

Hi.  This is a declaration of independence, strength and knowledge…because, after all, isn’t knowledge power?  That is what GI Joe said, “Knowing is half the Battle.”

Know this:  I am a fiercely independent woman.  But desperately frail and lonely, because I am confusing to people.  I act, “as if” I do not need people.  Horse shit.  We are all in this together.  WE all need each other.  I need you.  I need all of you.  And especially, you.

Know this:  I am a SURVIVOR of satanic ritual abuse.  I was FORCED, at age 4, to do unspeakable acts and have unspeakable things done TO me.  I was fucking FOUR YEARS OLD!!!!  How Dare you treat me as if I had a choice.  How fucking dare you.  I’m not a big believer in Shame, but shame on you for thinking that somehow I enjoyed being passed around and knowing truths at an age, when NO ONE, NO MATTER WHAT THEIR AGE should know.  HOW DARE you insinuate that because I have God Given Gifts, which are “supernatural”, “psychic”, “intuitive”, “esoteric”, “foreign”, “weird”, demonic or unholy, etc.  That I, me, a Christian raised woman, who was taught to leave no spiritual stone unturned, be a Satanist.  Or some other demonic and unholy and hypocritical, self righteous, UN-Christian JUDGEMENT- of which you have no authority to dole out, to label me so unfairly.


You know what I say to you?  After I get done telling you off?  For being such self-righteous, holier than thou hypocritical SOB’S?  Fear-based, ignoramuses.  UNH!

How erroneous you are!  How wrong you are about me!  I am so sorry your fear and ignorance and hatred is so deep and titanic, that you would not take the time out to get to know me and ask me.  I have nothing to hide.  I have done nothing wrong.  I have hurt, NO ONE, with my “evil” powers.  Nor would I ever.  How could you think those things?  What’s so wrong with you, that it makes it RIGHT for You to Judge ME?

WTF, over?!

I am so sorry.  For your fear.  And Hate.  And lack of understanding.  I am already judged.  I have been, and will continue to be till the day I die.  But, the utimate Judgement belongs to someone with much higher power and authority than all y’all.

Put your cheddar on that.

*Mic Drop*