I have been a hot fucking mess lately. This is the time of year for Halloween and all things reminiscent of the cult. I am EXTREMELY hypervigilant now and sleep one night on, two nights off. Why do you think I used to take 16 Klonopin, 4 Xanax, Choral Hydrate and Oxi Contin, AND drink? And my shrink wonders why I think about the sister fellowship. *eye roll*
Anyways. Sundays, worst days of the week for me, aside from 3-6 pm everyday. So, this last Sunday, Matthew decides to integrate. Just is like- you got this. I tell him I do- now, see? I can talk to my system in my head and my system and the safe place and their rooms, and common areas, etc. are all in my head. I suppose, I could draw it out, but after chair position for five plus minutes this morning, stairs are not my friend. However, Matthew is like, “you got this”? Yeah. Open the door. “You serious?” Yeah, open the door. He does. For the first time since I can ever, EVER remember, he is not wearing his overcoat, his trench, dig? His fedora, all that. He’s in a white t-shirt and black trousers, and all the littles, like five of em, boys and girls, just tackle him to the ground and smother him with love.
In my safe place for my parts, I have a waterfall, lake/salt free Ocean, with dolphins. Happy, no predator stuff. So, Matthew dives in and goes swimming with the Dolphin. And breathes. For the first time, ever, Matthew inhaled, and let it go. He’s been waiting to exhale for a long time. No pun intended. And if I would look good in Orange, yes, I would have set fire to Dave’s truck. Hellz yeah. Nero, bitch. But, I digress…
So, ever since Sunday, I’ve had no sleep, on and off. Like I said, one day on, two off, bitchy fucking people, mean fucking people. All coming at me. It’s like they know I’m on my own- get to that in a minute- and I’m like, fair fucking game. It’s crazY!!! Absolute bonkers, yeah! I unfriended two long-time- whom I thought- were friends. One was not. Hadn’t been a friend since she got wrapped up with a guy, the other chose her husband. Totally understand both, but the first? She was like, rubbing my face in it? Why? Cuz you’re engaged with no ring, guaranteed to be miserable ever after? YUCK!!!!
So, me and my labels? Which are as removable as they are applicable, will be over here, trying to figure out who we are under all these AXIS dx. Fuckers. Strengths perspective. No, you’re an Axis !, and that’s WHAT, WHO, and ALL you are to them. The DSM was invented to treat, but mainly to classify, disseminate, and label for insurance purposes so people could get paid, yo. Straight. You’re not a strength, you’re a file. A “Patient”. You’re not human, you’re a number, an insurance claim. Quality of life in mental health is zero. They could give a fuck. Too bad you’re a female with psychosis and the only neuroleptics (anti-psychotics) that work are Zyprexa and Seroquel and you have somnabulism (sleep eating) and crave sweets, lack energy and get fat. But you’re clock radio is quiet now, isn’t it? Fuck you.
Anyways, sometimes, being in recovery with the Axis that I have, DID, is the worst thing. Then, HIV? HOLY FUCK. There is truth to the stereotypes, to the diagnoses. Otherwise we wouldn’t receive treatment. Appropriate treatment. And I’ve had two different rounds of nine treatments of ECT.
I was walking by the grocery line today and Drew Barrymore is on the cover of Star or some shit, with the headline quote: “I’ve had the weirdest life ever”. Ever? Really. Swim in my water, punkin. Swim in some of my friend’s pools. There’s 31 flavors of fucked up that you won’t experience anywhere, even if your gene pool is Barrymore.
Back to the point, Matthew integrated and has been very quiet and away. Gone. Weird. Explains the hypervigilince(sp) at night. Who is going to protect me? Who is going to keep me safe? WTF, over?! I’m terrified. My fiercest, bad ass, warrior, protector, who stood up to Dave, and Dave hated since cuz from what I remember when I switched to Matthew? Told Dave right the fuck off and called his shit, OUT!!! Where is that fierce protector? That loyal dude? FUCK!!
He’s in my heart, safe. My part is no longer splintered, separate from my core, but part of me again. Just like when I was three before all the shit went down. I was/am a creative, smart kid/woman. Matthew had always been a part of me, but when the shit hit the fan, I created him into an imaginary friend type, almost? I could pull him out like Spiderman, put him on, kick ass, then have Alfred help me through the crisis and fallout the following days from fighting the evil in my head. The evil that Matthew and I, us, we…me saw and experienced and felt and smelled and tasted and saw, and heard screams, and physical pain and terror, and recoil, and just abject fucking terror and no one to protect 4 -year -old me from monsters and atrocities against God and man. So, I created Matthew to protect me.
Now, he’s gone, and I’m closer to integration- complete. Everyday, every experience, every interaction, I am extremely hyper critical of myself and how I re-act and react and reenact.
I’m hungry. no. I don’t want a fucking taco!