Lower Than A Snake’s Nuts

Yup.  That’s pretty much how I feel.  It’s 4:24 EST.  Can’t sleep again.  Fell asleep at 8:30.  Now, I’m starving, in more ways than physically.

So, my neighbors did NOT fuck with my security system.  The magnet fell out, someone put it on my door, trying to be kind.  Uh HUH!!!!  Who’s the paranoid, hateful, angry, person with Hyper vigilance due to their PTSD?  Yeah.  That would be me.  Hence, why I feel lower than a snake’s nuts.

I sent my ex an email.  One of his friends stalked my Facebook page.  Lame.

Dave lived in Okemos.  I’m thinking of taking a road trip to see where he was staying at.  It even had his email address.  That’s fucking useless.  It was funny.  The address was not as delusional as his others have been.  Definitely.  I miss the man I fell in love with everyday.  He’s gone, and even if there is a funeral, I cannot go.  He’s still listed in the system.  I don’t know what happened.  I don’t know if he’ll be in a grave or cremated.  Doesn’t matter.  He’s gone.  We all end up the same way and sometimes, the same place.

It hurts, and if you have ever loved an addict/alcoholic, you know the pain and heartache we put you through.  Dave was an IDU- Intravenous Drug User- he shot Meth.  By the end, I think he was smoking it.  Hell, I think if he could put it on his food like salt, he would.  He was a really good cook.  Used to be a pastry chef.  He always knew where the great little restaurants were.  He always knew where the good food was.  If he hadn’t been a sociopath, he would have been a, “foodie”.  He would have been posting food porn on Facebook and Instagram.  I really miss him.  Don’t get me wrong, once I found out that it was all true and he was as sick as I had feared, I was terrified of him.  Welcome to my Nightmare…He was my best friend, as best as a Sociopath can get.  There was even a Dave/Zuzu sunset tonight.  He was funny.  He was incredibly disciplined.  Neat.  Groomed.  I always knew when he was going to go on a bender.  He’d get real quiet, real skulky and sulky, go lock himself in the bathroom, shave and everything, and then disappear for 12+ hours.  I hated that.  He’d say, “there’s a meteor shower tonight at three am, I’ll wake you up so we can see it”, okay.  I wake up, there’s a note that says, “I went grocery shopping at Meijer, be right back.”  The Meijer on Plainfield?  Was a twist and turn away from a real trailer park out of a Rob Zombie horror movie.  I mean, kids running around that you can tell there was an incest epidemic in the trailer park.  In other words, a few of those trailers were meth labs.  If they blew, no one would be missed.  It was creepy.  Yeah, I got to go there.  Got stared down.  It was fall.  The leaves hadn’t been raked or blown away in years.  Three feet high around the foundation of these old, seventies trailers.  All in primary, bright chromatic colors.  So fucking creepy.  Dave was very creepy.  I found a priests costume in his closet.  A fake one, not a real one.  But still.  DL, anyone?

Christ.  See?  That’s the double bind?!  I love you, I need/want you, but you keep hurting me. What do I do?!!!  WTF DO I DO NOW THAT YOU ARE GONE YOU FUCKER??????!!!!!!!

“My heart is a Ghost Town…”  Adam Lambert

One thought on “Lower Than A Snake’s Nuts

  1. It’s not the same thing, but I go through a similar process with my ex. I hate him/I love him. I’m glad to be away from him/I want him back. You are going through something much more intense. It’s going to be hard for awhile. You will grieve the loss of a man who did some good things. You will have relief that you don’t have to look over your shoulder. This dilemma is a dialectic.   Be patient with yourself. Many safe hugs.

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