Well, I have no idea why the screen is black and my words are white. I could make an Old Glory comment, but I digress…
I also haven’t posted since, probably May? I got out of the Spa May 8th, and then went through a week of partial. Then, I made a couple of decisions.
1st and foremost- get a new frickin’ sponsor and jump start my program. I went to the fourth of July party like I do, and someone who I used to- every year, mind you- talking the whole party, ignored, avoided, and insulted me. All because they think I slept with a dude who is, at least, 25 years older than me. And they never bothered to ask me. Hmm, no gender bias there, cha! So, yesterday I was really down, but having a great physical day. So physically great, mentally, off my square. NBD. I’m used to that. I never have one day where all cylinders are firing at once. It’s either physical pain, mental pain, or both. So, I killed my kitchen yesterday. Just scrubbed the hell out of it. Took out a lot of aggression. It’s like, 5 o’clock here, and it feels like ten a.m. But, I finally touched base with my sponsor. She said, “Ask yourself this: What kind of program are they working?” Ding! Ding!!! Oh yeah, I forgot- it’s not always, everything is my fault. There are two people on the plane and there are exits on both sides of the plane for said persons.
BTW, you know there is going to be a Blue Moon this month, here in North America, right? I mean, Tom Cruise is ditching Scientology to be with his daughter, they’re checking out Pluto- all kinds of weird shit is going on!!!
For example, me? Where have I been? Well, I got out of the hospital, and adjusted. Made a plan, like a five year plan. I’m looking to get back into acting, I would like to take an Interior Design course or two and meld it with Feng Shui. My sponsor and her husband are buying an old farm house to turn into a recovery house for women. Don’t think I’m going to be all up in that, cuz, Damn Skippy! I am.
I went to The Reverend Horton Heat by myself for my 42nd Birthday-by myself. I went, July 8, to Comerica park to see The Rolling Stones again. They were- both concerts were fucking a mazing!! And I went by Myself. I’ve started a diet. I can’t walk a long pace everyday, but if my Fibro doesn’t have me down, I’m doing stuff. I start Yoga in August. I have to price out Masseuses. I saw a pain doc for my fibro, and they don’t treat fibro with Narcotics. Movement is the best cure…except when you go batshit Like I did yesterday, and do too much.
I am seeing ZZ Top in August with my Sponsor and Possibly, Crue/Alice Cooper, with a really great, stand the test of time, friend. I’m getting my house together. I’m pulling it all together.
My system…I’ve been trying to live life to the fullest, so they can see what we’ve been missing. I made a deal with one of the twins, Lily and Sophie. Sophie is apparently a self injurer, although I have never participated in that behavior. I have five, huge tattoos, but no mas. So, I told Sophie, she let herself be known at the last hospitalization, that if she didn’t hurt us, we would get a sleeve done to finish out our right arm. She was giddy. So, I also found out I only have 9 Medicare, free standing psych hospital days covered, and then it flips to Medicaid. So, if by some weird thing happens, and I’m traveling abroad with my ole HIV, and I have a psych meltdown, I’ve basically got to hoard those days like Return of the Jedi. I gots to be an ewok fighting fucker, mother fucker!!!!
So, what else…Saw Dave walking to the Bus, on his way home from work. He looked ECSTATIC, HAPPY, and OVERJOYED to see me. I shit you not. I just thought, “Fuck. Now he knows I drive a different car.” Got a security system for the house. It’s loud and it works!!!
I’m trying really hard to be happy. To make a conscious choice to be happy. All the shit that went down, it’s gone. It’s happened-It’s OVER! They can’t hurt me/us anymore. Dave can try, but he will not succeed in hurting me anymore. A lot of people can bring me down, knock me off my square, but compared to what I have been through, taint nothing. Ain’t no thang, but a g-string.
My best friend and my god daughter are moving to Seattle the end of this month. They just lost their Aunt. Crushing blow for the whole family. And then, she’s gone. Next week and a half. So, yeah. That has been hard and a whole new way to adapt. But, I’ve got a life waiting for me. It’s been calling to me. I’ve just not heard it until this summer. My mom told me: Don’t depend on others, because they will let you down. I spent my entire 20’s trying to prove her wrong, my 30’s was the time I thought I turned into Wonder Woman, and then, at 35? I got sober and had to restart my heart.
So, I’ve been a little busy, been fighting this damned fibro, been fighting period. Good news? I have grieved my past lovers- that I truly did love, and will always love, and even coming to terms with loving Dave. That’s a trauma bond. That one’s going to take a little longer and a little more work.
Okay, my fingers are barking.