It’s Purple Sequin Beret Time!!!!

Okay.  I know I’m OB- Over blogging, but I just got to this shit out of me.  I tell…I was supposed to go to IN this weekend,  For a MASSIVE Tri-State Antique show with my mom.  But since the wheels are falling off the bus, quite rapidly, I might add, it’s time to get a bed reservation.  Which I have already done.  I see safe today at 3.  We may not war after all.  IDK.  You know you have found a good mental health team when they all have the same hospital privileges, are all asking you rhetorical questions to bring out the answer in you so you speak your own truth, and they DON’T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO!!!!!!  OI!  That is so important!  They bring it out of you, not from you.  Crazy talk.  Crazy people.  IDK.

IDK why I’m OB. I’m just kinda proud of myself for not letting my self slide deeper into a hole, for recognizing I needed help, and, most importantly, seeking the help, asking for the help and following through on the help.

I feel really bad for my mom though.  She’s really sad.  I know why.  I told her though, it’s gonna be at least five more years before I don’t Have Spa Relapses.  I can only do so much. Dr. Ross said a year and a half and I’d be okay.  Well, it’s been a year and a half, and I’m down to Sheila and her system of seven, Vicky and her part, Veronica, Phylis- the executive, Matthew- massive, major league protector, Sylvia, whom I don’t know that much about,  and two, that are twins- fraternal, that won’t tell me their names and I didn’t know existed.  I have to do a new map.  The one I put up here, was just of Sheila’s subsystem.  Not my entire system.  So, I have to redo a couple of maps.  But, such is the way with DID.  You know with DID recovery work, it is just that, recovery.

You recover the parts of yourself that have split off to protect and help you manage your life.  Which is why it’s not so great to have Sheila and Veronica up front, because they’re teenagers.  They can’t even begin to fathom what it’s like to be a 41 year old woman, living alone, with HIV, chronic pain and mental Illness in a community that does nothing to foster diversity, but does a lot, albeit covertly to maintain homogenous circumstances.  So, it’s difficult.  Really.  Idk.  So, I’m giving myself five years to recover.  Five year plan, five year business plan, blah x 3.  To integrate, because that is my goal.  To integrate.  To become a cohesive, fully formed, grown ass woman.  I wasn’t born with DID, I acquired it due to adaption to shitty situations. What else was I supposed to do?  Roll over and let them win?  “These are not my bad acts.  These are not my bad deeds”.

I just feel so bad for my mom.  And my dad.  Even in his little turtle-lipped way, I know he’s upset and loves me more than his dog, well, that’s probably going too far. LOL!!!  But, the best thing I can do, is go and get my poop in a group today, get the house ready, send all things I have done, out, cancel appointments- oh yeah.  When you have DID, it’s like doing a hard drug- LSD, Shrooms, something, any drug- Soma- that requires you clear your schedule.

So, until next time (Beatrix) Kiddos,

zu

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