So, yesterday on the ‘ole Facebook, I came out as a multiple. I had 72 parts. I’m down to 7. What I didn’t realize was that most of my family is on FB. But they kinda needed to know, the Bipolar excuse was wearing kinda thin.
But, I feel better now that I am out as a multiple. I don’t feel I have to hide or lie anymore. And I’ve been sober for six years plus change which helps…but no more program for me. I’m tired of feeling more shame for something i was born as-alcoholic. No more perping on myself or loyalty to the perpetrators. Hell, I did the Locus of Control shift with my ex- David Dean Smith, the AIDS Killer- and I realize, that it wasn’t actually my fault!!!! HOLY SHIT!! What a concept!!! Carried that guilt and shame since I was diagnosed HIV+ in 2008.
I received a great deal of support from friends who knew me back when. Nada from people from around here. But, when you’re a Multiple, you have a Disorganized style of attachment, so until you integrate, your relationships are all over the map.
I was in the hospital from mid January to middle/late January. I have to do partial hospital. As much as I hate it, I need it. My meds still aren’t straight. Medication has always been an issue for me. Can’t take Topamax. Shit GIVES me headaches. Supposed to prevent them. I”m also doing a lot of grief work. Tomorrow is my dad’s 75th. I’m hoping by the end of the year, I’ll be whole and can give them a break.
Wow. I’ve spilled a lot of random thoughts. Guess I needed to get the cream off the top and we’ll see how the family deals with my coming out of the circus sideshow. Yes. Somedays i feel like a sideshow attraction.
Y’all have a great day now, ya hear?