Bentley Family Gasp

So, yesterday on the ‘ole Facebook, I came out as a multiple.  I had 72 parts.  I’m down to 7.  What I didn’t realize was that most of my family is on FB.  But they kinda needed to know, the Bipolar excuse was wearing kinda thin.

But, I feel better now that I am out as a multiple.  I don’t feel I have to hide or lie anymore.  And I’ve been sober for six years plus change which helps…but no more program for me. I’m tired of feeling more shame for something i was born as-alcoholic.   No more perping on myself or loyalty to the perpetrators.  Hell, I did the Locus of Control shift with my ex- David Dean Smith, the AIDS Killer- and I realize, that it wasn’t actually my fault!!!!  HOLY SHIT!!  What a concept!!!  Carried that guilt and shame since I was diagnosed HIV+ in 2008.

I received a great deal of support from friends who knew me back when.  Nada from people from around here.  But, when you’re a Multiple, you have a Disorganized style of attachment, so until you integrate, your relationships are all over the map.

I was in the hospital from mid January to middle/late January.  I have to do partial hospital.  As much as I hate it, I need it.  My meds still aren’t straight.  Medication has always been an issue for me.  Can’t take Topamax.  Shit GIVES me headaches.  Supposed to prevent them.  I”m also doing a lot of grief work.  Tomorrow is my dad’s 75th.  I’m hoping by the end of the year, I’ll be whole and can give them a break.

Wow.  I’ve spilled a lot of random thoughts.  Guess I needed to get the cream off the top and we’ll see how the family deals with my coming out of the circus sideshow.  Yes.  Somedays i feel like a sideshow attraction.

 

Y’all have a great day now, ya hear?